Thanksgiving.  I bet you can already smell the turkey and pumpkin pie baking in the oven.  You can envision the table setting, the house decorations, the conversations to be had.  You're already excited or dreading the holiday season as you think about the relatives you can't wait to see and the ones if you saw them in the year 2050, that would still be too soon.  Then there's those of us who find the holidays a bittersweet time.  As time goes on, we celebrate with the newer members of the generation and create new traditions along with keeping the old ones, but as we remember those who have gone before us, we feel their absence.  We miss them and feel it in our bones and in our hearts.  Never again will we get to taste Aunt Martha's yummy apple pie or hear old war stories from Grandpa.  The scent of their beings or of their cologne, although still memorable, begins to fade along with the sound of their laughter or their voice.  I, for one, fear the day I can't remember my own mother's cough or my grandpa's voice or my dad's chuckle.  I don't ever want to forget those sounds or smells, and most of all, I don't ever want to forget the feelings I associate with them. 

I believe things happen for a reason.  Last month I had such an occasion in which I had to rely on others, and that's a very hard thing for me to do, especially since I suffer from an anxiety disorder.  I have come a long way in the last few years, but one thing I'm not too crazy about is people driving me.  I feel totally out of control.  Well, that's because I am.  I have to place a lot of trust in the driver to know my condition, respect it even if they don't understand it, and listen to me if I need a reprieve.  Most people don't see the problem because they don't have anxiety issues.  That's understandable.  However, most who don't see the problem also don't want to be accommodating.  You can call it enabling if you want, and maybe it is.  I call it accommodating.  If I, being scared out of my mind, am willing to ride with you, please be accommodating and travel a route and at a speed I can at least try to tolerate.  Like I tell people, "I didn't get this bad overnight, and I won't be healed from it overnight either.  Baby steps."  Well, some people would rather tell you to "suck it up, Buttercup", and yes, that engulfing method can work.  For me, though, I'll never trust you again, nor in my opinion is it the best way to help someone heal from such a disorder. 

With all this being said, and to spare you all the details, I had car trouble in which my car had to be towed, and I was without it for almost a week so I HAD to rely on others to take me places.  My car is like my security blanket.  I can come and go as I please...anywhere and at any time.  When I'm without it or a replacement, I feel way out of control and freaked out.  I am quite thankful for those who did drive me to places I needed to go and did so to help me.  I don't know what I would have done without them.  Once I got my car back, I almost dropped down to the ground to kiss it and about dissolved into a million tears!  It may not be a fancy car, but it's mine!  I also realized this was an opportunity to keep letting others drive me.  Baby steps.  Maybe this happened to open the door for me to start healing after all these years.  I have healed in other ways with this disorder.  I used to not be able to travel at all, anywhere.  Now I drive 3 hours into Houston each week to work.  I never thought I would be able to do such a thing.  I used to have trouble sitting through a movie in public and either avoided it or had to stand at the back.  Now it's no big problem.  I used to dictate where we sat in restaurants because I wanted to sit where I was comfortable.  I needed to sit either by the front or by the restroom in case of an easy escape.  Same thing for the grocery store.  I used to not be able to move about the store with ease.  I could go in and go about halfway down an aisle, but that was it.  I had my children get the rest of the items for me if I couldn't.  I used to think, "What's going to happen when they're both grown and gone?"  I'm a single mom so who would help me then?  Now I have issues(usually) in the grocery store.  I have avoided so many things in my life due to my anxiety disorder, and it's tiring.  It's tiring for me, and it's tiring for my friends and family.  I have avoided many family events, even weddings, because they were held out of town or at venues I wasn't comfortable attending.  I used to think, "What if I can't go to my own children's high school(or college) graduations?"  I went to both of their high school graduations although I did have to stay on the ground floor.  I'm so thankful I didn't have to miss those occasions, and I'm looking forward to watching my daughter graduate from college this coming May 2016! 

Speaking of my daughter, I recently learned just how bad her anxiety had become.  I found out she was basically living the same life I had been living, and her anxiety was getting worse.  I felt horrible!  She grew up with me "that way" so I felt(and feel) incredibly guilty.  I told both my kids I didn't want them to become like me in that way.  She had, and I was worried for her.  She sought help from her counselor and also the campus infirmary and is now on medication to help her.  So far it is helping her make great strides.  She also had had trouble traveling, and just last weekend she went with a friend to Dallas to a concert.  She said sometimes it was scary, but she was ok, and she even drove back for a portion of the trip.  I'm proud she is getting help, and I hope hers doesn't get any worse.  Sometimes there are setbacks, but I am encouraging her to not let them get her down or define the path for her victory to healing.  It's just a blip in the road, and keep going.  For these strides we are both making, I am incredible thankful.  In fact, she drives us to church and around town most of the time lately.  I need practice being driven, and she needs practice driving. Go us!

Getting back to my incident last month, now things have changed a little with where I stay while I'm in town working in Houston.  I drive in on Monday mornings and usually don't even know with whom I am staying.  I don't have enough money to get motel rooms all the time.  I have family that I can stay with, but I don't want to wear out my welcome or be in the way.  Too, some of those family members live far from my office, and with the traffic, it just isn't worth the jog over there and back or at least very often.  Although I'm thankful for the welcome, it isn't the most convenience for me or them.  Some of my family members that I can stay with also have others living with them so I don't want to be the one that breaks the camel's back.  For those that have and do open their homes to me, I am incredibly grateful.  There are times I've wondered if I'm going to have to sleep in my car.  That's a scary thought.  Where am I going to sleep in my car where it's safe?  I have a 2012 Ford Focus, not a limousine.  My feet swell so I really need somewhere to recline so the swelling can go down.  I pee anywhere from 2 to 6 times during the night so I kind of need a restroom.  I kind of need a safe place so as to not get carjacked or killed.  Seriously...And it's starting to get really cold.  Then I look down the road to the homeless people under the I-45 Freeway with their signs.  I've seen them sleeping under the overpasses.  At least I have my car to sleep in.  That's some kind of shelter even if it's not a grand palace.  That got me to thinking about how grateful I am to have my own home.  My own bed, my own HOT shower, my own cats, my tv, my couch.  When I'm away from home, I miss my kids and cats terribly.  I'm so thankful for all of my possessions even though they're old and worn out.  They're mine.  I'm even more thankful for my kids, human and fur babies alike.  I love them so much.  My world would mean nothing without them in it.

This Thanksgiving as you prepare to spend time with your family or friends or even alone, remember to give thanks for what you have even if life has got you down.  There's usually someone out there that has it way worse than you do.  Even those people who you think "have it all" don't usually have as much as you do.  Appearances can be deceiving.  When I was a little girl, I used to hear my elders say, "We were poor, but we didn't know it because we had a lot of love in our family."   Take the time to think about what you DO have and WHO you have in your life rather than what you DON'T have.  And for those loved ones that have gone before us, even though we miss them like mad, give thanks for them because they were in your life for a period of time, and I'm willing to bet a lot of those people influenced who you are today. 

Happy Thanksgiving & Blessings to All!